It’s been a while. And that makes me feel nervous to sit down and type. I haven’t forgotten how to do it, but it’s been such a long time and I feel like I’m becoming reacquainted with an old friend. Seems silly to consider this blog – this wayward conglomerate of my loose thoughts – a friend, but it has been. It was a confidante when I needed it to be. It was a pulpit other times. A diary, a place for declaration, a way to mourn and grieve. This blog has been around for a while; the most genuine online presence I’ve ever had, tracking the changes and growth (and setbacks) I’ve had over the years.
I haven’t read my old work in a while, but I remember how frightening vulnerability was. I had an image that I wanted to shed; I wanted to reinvent myself, start fresh and be new. But there are consequences to that. There are consequences to starting over. There were times when I wondered if it was worth it; if it would have just been easier to stay as everyone knew me.
Maybe.
But I’m glad I didn’t.
I’m changing. I am constantly changing. I’ve gotten good at recognizing when chapters are coming to a close and something new begins. I’m at the precipice of one now, and it feels substantial.
Recently, I made a declaration: “I am ONLY going to befriend people who are all-in.” I am only going to invest my time and energy into the people who are real and genuine. Who devote themselves to excitement, to learning, to their craft. I am only going to invest my time and energy into the people who laugh with their whole body, from their vocal chords to their eyes to their gut. I am only going to invest my time and energy into the people who are kind and compassionate, even in the face or pessimism or naysayers. I am only going to invest my time and energy into people who give a shit about the quality of their Life. That’s it. I am going to going to befriend people who are all-in.
I think it’s no surprise that I am a deeply emotional person. I feel INTENSELY. I think INTENSELY. I was making a cup of tea last night and in the kitchen declared, “I am so happy to be alive!”
Maybe there’s something I’m missing (which wouldn’t be too surprising, social cues are not my forté), but I’m so over trying to blend in. I’m over the pretense of not getting excited. I’m not too cool for enthusiasm, at all. What a dull Life!
It’s such a blessing and a privilege to be alive. Some individuals suffer more than others and it is unfair. However, suffering is a part of the human experience. No one is spared from it, no matter what we do to try and prevent it.
When we are confronted with emotions that do not inspire us; when we are faced with heartbreak, betrayal, grief, or humiliation, we try to get out of the negative experience as quickly as possible. We run away from it. We imbibe in vices. We bury it.
It is understandable.
There should be no shame if you have used avoidance in the past or if you are currently.
But I implore you – if you are tired of running, if you are tired of pretending, if you are tired of not being present – stand still. Let your emotions catch up with you; let your emotions out from the prison you’ve locked them in. Let them wash over you. Contrary to how they feel, those dreadful emotions exist to serve you, to save you, to help you grow. Our physical bodies are constantly changing – our souls should, too. Life cannot be sunshine all the time. We know this. In the physical world, a Life of constant sunshine leads to drought. Nothing grows. Things start to die. Sometimes, we require a flood, which can be just as devastating.
But you see, history has shown us with the Ice Age, Noah and the ark, the dust bowl, Chernobyl – no matter the devastation, no matter the carnage – Life finds a way. Life will always find a way.
We are a part of the Earth. We are resilient. Let the pain in your heart be your catalyst for your soul’s Ground Zero. Level everything you used to hold onto. Become a beginner again.
You cannot unlearn what you have been taught. Ignorance is bliss. But knowledge is power. We; me, you have the ability to become powerful, if we have the courage to lose. If we have the courage to fail. If we can restructure and redefine failure, we can see that it is a part of the process, not the end of the line. It is innate to try again, to want to figure things out. After all, isn’t success just that much sweeter after you’ve first failed? Isn’t that moment of redemption, of perseverance, of pride WORTH the struggle of the failure of the thing? We grow to appreciate what is difficult, we grow to respect the process, and we learn something exquisite about ourselves, which is simply: “I can” instead of “I cannot.”
All this to say, competition can be healthy. It can be motivating and exhilarating; it can teach us how to work as a team, and inspire new ideas, new ways of problem solving. But when competition is an individual’s only mindset; when competition is viewed as the only way to exist, it becomes draining and debilitating. Adrenaline is pumping all the time and the nerves get frayed from overuse. Ideas become twisted into paranoia. We become stressed and begin to fear failure. We begin to burden the responsibility of getting things right and perfect the very first try, meaning there are no stepping stones or benchmarks that are only earned through failure. We feel as though we have to jump across a chasm without so much as a running start.
This is impossible.
Slow down.
Make a mistake. Learn from it. Enjoy the process. We find our own holy trinity within us: body, mind, and soul. We have to nourish ALL of them. When you work out, you tear muscles so new tissue can grow. The body becomes leaner, endurance lasts longer, breathing becomes less labored, the heart pumps more steadily. We destroy to become renewed. We must also do this mentally and spiritually.
We must read or listen or watch things that challenge us. We must sit and contemplate someone else’s perspective. We must be willing to listen; to ask questions. We must. Education is not only valid by a signed piece of embossed card stock. Education is the pursuit of knowledge and ideas. People can bribe their way into fancy schools, but they cannot buy someone else’s yearning to learn. It must be within.
Spiritually, for me anyway, I believe in magic. Wholeheartedly. I see it when I watch my friends play music that they’re proud of. I see when I watch a documentary about Earth and space and the universe. I see it when someone smiles; hear it when someone laughs. We are all creative beings, even if we are not inherently artistic. We worship our music; we savor our food; we consume literature. There is a brilliance and purity in creating for the sake of it; to satisfy our compulsion to make something beautiful; the yearning for a legacy.
I also like to reflect on this quote by Epictetus: “All religions must be tolerated, for every man gets to heaven in his own way.” We all find a way to cope with the knowledge that we will someday die. It is inevitable, but scary nonetheless. That is understandable. We make peace with our mortality in the best way we can, whether we believe in heaven or a Great Nothing. Maybe we get reincarnated. No one knows for sure, and it is an idealized, rose-colored glasses approach to religion, I know. Wars have been waged in the name of religion; genocide and prejudice have been justified through religion. You don’t have to agree, but is it possible to tolerate? Can we find a way to mind our own business in the affairs of other people? I think we should.
All this to say – to be alive and to be human is a gift. Emotions are not flaws, but rather tools, if we use them correctly and creatively. However, they can become weapons of self-destruction if unaddressed.
So please, so long as you try, try again, failure should be celebrated. Let yourself feel. Be real and honest with your Self. Let things fall apart. Let things break. Start from Ground Zero.
Life finds a way.
SIOUX-DONYM 